Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!