Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.