Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: đź‘Ť
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.