date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Dune (2021)
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Never be a pizza!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.