Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
BETRAYAL
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Jupiter
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!