I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention