If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.