“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
A bold strategy
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.