If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.