Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
guilty
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
a fate I wish upon no one
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”