Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams