Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
For the ones in the back.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
BaD BoY!!
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined