WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.