I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!