Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle