Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.