Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED