Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…