I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Smile they said.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.