I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Cat.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!