*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-