Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
opening twitter today
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc