You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall