Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.