judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.