[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
You got this…
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”