I think they could have phrased this better
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Best spoiler warning ever