him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge