Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
(Electricians.)
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?