Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers