You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*