You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Reporter: *ports again*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*