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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
no such thing as a dumb question
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
@ candidates for local office
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The Sun’s probably Asian.