me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Facebook memories be like
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
i wish i could marry a nap
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*