I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?