I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.