I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”