him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
She: I like Cats
He:
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*