my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself