I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Breaking news:
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
NASA has no chill
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”