Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.