When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair