Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin