This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
You Might Also Like
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.