Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
You Might Also Like
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Actually cracking up @ this
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.