Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.