That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’