Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
S O O N