when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake