[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
True.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Cats (2019)
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”